Fibs

Am I a fraud and liar? Not sure. I try to be honest in everything thing that I do and 'try' is the key word there. Could anyone say that they are always one hundred percent honest? Case in point, my son had to take on a big responsibility this time last year when I broken the bad news to him that (*** and anyone under the age of eleven should stop reading right now before I ruin your childhood for you ***) there is no Father Christmas!

I don't remember when I first found out this fact myself. Maybe it was so traumatic that I completely blocked it from my memory. More likely being the younger of two children I just started picking up on the fact from things my sister said. And there in lines the crux of my son's problem.

It was a big enough blow having to be told that I was Father Christmas, and by that I don't me I do the whole red suit, white beard and levitating reindeer bit. It was a shock to him I know, probably not helped by the fact that I threw in the truth about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy at the same time - it may seem cruel but I was working on the 'sticky plaster' theory of ripping off in one quick go rather than dragging out the pain. It was hard for him but he quickly came to terms with the fact. But what he finds hardest is that he knows the truth and yet his sister doesn't.

Some siblings would love to have such a feeling of power and one-upmanship over a sister or brother. But for my boy it was more the fact that his sister can still feel the magic while he has to stand by and pretend. He therefore keeps asking when I'll be breaking the news to her, hoping for sooner rather than later. Possibly so that he has someone with whom to share the pain and maybe because he can't face another Christmas pretending or as he put it "lying".

And he's right, these are lies! How can you be telling your kids to to be honest and truthful one minute then spinning a yarn about a rotund, sack wielding housebreaker the next? It's the same problem you face when telling them not to be cruel to animals and then handing them a stick and a piñata! Okay bad example, after all the piñata had it coming for scoffing all the sweets in the first place!

Actually when you think about it the whole Father Christmas business sits at odds with the Ten Commandments thing. Come Christmas there are no end of false idols, not to mention coveting your neighbour's ass, or more likely their Nintendo 3DS. God and the little baby Jesus have to fight for centre stage with St Nick. And the no stealing or killing is tough to keep away from when you're a parent hunting the length and breadth of the country for the last available 'must have' toy of the year! And the little darlings will only honour their father and mother until they discover that you are the real stocking-stuffers!

No, I'm afraid my son will have to tow the line for at least a few more Christmases before his sister gets the bad news. But knowing my daughter, who is currently nine going on nineteen, she'll suss it out before we tell her. In fact she may well be pulling a reverse sibling-sting on her brother right now. She probably knows it's all a lie but won't let us know that she knows so as to make her poor brother squirm just that little bit longer!

It's enough to make your head ache. Ah well! It'll all be over by Hogmanay and until then just keep taking the tablets...

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Bricks

My time as an actor was not what you might call the most glittering of careers. Instead I moved from one fringe production to another and in between tended towards children's variety more than anything else. In fact, given how much fun I now have making my kids laugh I probably missed a trick there.

My biggest entertainer stint came when I worked for two years as a actor / performer at the then quite tacky Thorpe Park in Staines (a story for another day). After that I vowed never to work in a theme park again but hold out for only 'proper' acting roles. So I was more than a little surprised to find that out of the blue I suddenly had an audition for a new theme park which to be opening up - Legoland Windsor. To this day I can't remember if I applied for the job and then blotted out the memory or whether my name was simply given to them because of my record of park work. Either way I wasn't ready to pass up an audition (just getting one was at that stage was proving harder than the audition itself).

So on a cold and foggy day I turned up at the newly built visitors centre at Legoland Windsor and immediately felt I'd stepped into an episode of Dr Who. Everyone already working there wore a coloured blazer on the lapel of which was a small Lego Mini Figure holding a name tag. I assumed it was the name of the person wearing the blazer but it could just as easily been the name of the Lego person being transported around by their human servant! (*Multiplex voice-over*) "Taking over the world - brick by brick..."

Myself and my fellow auditionees were herded into one room where the most senior Lego / human hybrid, who shared the name Brian, explained how the day would proceed. The Brians were the entertainment manager and gave a brief outline of the sort of actors and performers they would be looking for. The moment they started speaking I began to get an odd sort of tapping at the back of my head which threatened to put me off my stride. Whether it was nerves or just my subconscious trying to remind me of my pledge to avoid any role that used the line "Behind you!" I wasn't sure, but I fought it down.

The main part of the audition was of course a prepared speech but unusually we didn't go one at a time into the a room to perform these. Instead we sat in a row of chairs along one wall in a large room while the blazer wearing panel of five, and their symbiotic plastic figures, sat behind a long table in front of us with the Brians in the middle. My turn came and with it the return of the brain tap. I pushed it back once more and did my piece, then answered whatever questions about my previous experience were asked and finally sat back down. As the next person carried on my eyes were drawn to the Brians and again the tapping began but this time finished with the mental equivalent of a soft "Ping".

My eyes widened in wonder as suddenly visions of teddy bears, silly songs and Saturday afternoons swam before my eyes! Not being able to contain myself I lent over to the person next to me and whispered,

"That's Brian Cant!"

Ah yes dear reader - Brian Cant. To those of a certain age he is an unquestionable god! Readers of my previous post 'Glimpse' will know of another day when I met a TV hero of my childhood and here, twenty years later, I was face to face with the Supreme Leader of all Playaway presenters. The man who could turn a cardboard box into a rocket ship! The man who knew Jeremy Irons before he revisited Brideshead or the Borgias and Tony Robinson before he joined 'Time Team!' The man who could really dish the dirt on Big Ted, Humpty and Hamble! And I was performing for him!

Needless to say I was rather quickly brought back to Earth when the person I'd whispered to said, "Who's Brian Cant?". The penny dropped then that I was probably one of the oldest people at the audition, everyone else being fresh out of one drama school or another and therefore too young to remember the Golden Age of 'Play School' and 'Playaway'. Not to be put off I threw myself into the rest of the day with gusto, including an over energetic and possibly highly embarrassing dance we had to learn to a Janet Jackson song. Nothing mattered now. Brian was watching and I was going to show him just what I could do!

At the close of the day, when the entertainment staff said their thank yous and told us we'd be informed in due time as to the results, Brian walked among us once more. I also got to speak to him briefly, although I did refrain from saying how much I'd adored watching him as a child or how many jokes, gags and silly voices I'd copied off him or how many songs and sketches I had learnt off by heart as a kid from Playaway albums. Somehow I didn't really see that over enthusiastic hero worship from a twenty-five year old man would help me get a job.

Either way a few days later I received a call to congratulate me and to offer me a role at Legoland Windsor for the Summer. However, in the time following the audition the stars had fallen once more from my eyes. I'd thought again about how I didn't want to be typecast as kiddies entertainer, still feeling that my real break was somewhere round that impossible big corner. I therefore politely turned the job down, possibly leaving a Lego man with my name on it out in the cold.

And so I moved away from what I said at the beginning could have been my true purpose in life. Not only that but from the opportunity to have learnt at the feet of the true master...

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Roll

Five more steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large sloping area. (Preferably a grass covered bank or hillside not during the rainy season but close enough to have kept the ground soft)

Step 2 - Lay down parallel to the apex of the slope. (Protractors, set-squares are again permitted, but do not keep in pockets)

Step 3 - Gently tip bodyweight in the direction of the downward gradient. (Positioning of arms can be a problem at first but quickly becomes irrelevant (see step 4). Same also applies to breasts and genitalia for older participants)

Step 4 - Allow momentum to build naturally towards optimum speed. (Signs that this is achieved will include failing limbs, involuntary screaming and both ground and life flashing before eyes) 

Step 5 - Let the flattening out of the landscape gradually bring your body to a state of rest. (Please try to avoid ditches, cliffs, ravines and the legs of passing strangers)

Repeat as necessary...

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