Pointillist

I am very much a reluctant decorator. And as glasses wearer I end up literally seeing spots before my eyes whenever the roller comes out. If I were to win the lottery tomorrow before I tell my work where to stick its job I would swear never ever to touch a paint brush again. In fact let’s go further and say that if I ruled the world I'd outlaw DIY altogether. Leave it to the professionals. That’s what they’re there for after all!

Trouble is most of the time I have to do it myself (worst luck). During the ten years we spent at our last house I learnt to strip, paint, wallpaper, tile (both walls and floors), grout and fit coving. I’ve power sanded old floorboards, laid new boards and even boarded the attic. I’ve removed three fitted wardrobes and all the kitchen units before refitting new ones and a sink. And I can honestly say with hand on heart that I never enjoyed a single moment. And having moved house within the last year it’s about to start all over again!

However, the one thing I do like, which I know can drive some people potty, is putting together flat pack furniture. Whether it’s the puzzle aspect or the anal necessity of following instructions I enjoy most I don’t know. Unlike some friends of mine I can’t wait to go back to the big blue and yellow furniture fun house that rhymes with MY-KEA! It’s like being a kid again, deciding which Airfix kit to buy next. My conundrum-craving-cranium also gets a kick out of arranging how to get all the boxes into the car and still have space for a family of four.

MW and even my kids completely shun instruction booklets as though they were the work of Lucifer. Any new game, toy or appliance is simply wrenched from its packaging and fitted together however seems best. It’s only once the thing refuses to work, or refuses to stop working and is threatening the lives of the entire neighbourhood, that I am called upon to find out what the problem is. And the first stage of this recovery process is always the same - find where the instruction manual was shamefully discarded and READ IT!   

I, on the other hand, just sink into an ecstatic fugue when given something new to build. Laying out all the pieces; counting out the bits and fixings; scanning the instructions to see what lies ahead; checking tools are assembled and ready to hand; and all this before even thinking of making a start. The build then goes by in dream like dance - with a one-two-three, one-two-three, slot-A-into-B, attach-bracket-C. And when all is done and I look upon the furniture I have constructed I’ve wept, for there are no more screws to count!

So tell you what. While I’m waiting for my numbers to come up what say we do a deal. You scrape my walls and I’ll un-flatten your pack…

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Slide

Five more steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large sloping area that has a liberal dusting of frozen precipitation. (Preferably of a consistency somewhere between brown slush and sheet ice )

Step 2 - Position yourself at apex of slope upon your vehicle of choice. (Sledge, toboggan, tin-tray, bin bag, willing accomplice, etc.)

Step 3 - Push to start and allow gravity to increase your momentum. (You may employ additional initial propulsion from a friend but avoid the use of catapults, rockets or jets)

Step 4 - Allow acceleration to build through the lack of friction between the vehicle and the ground cover. (Take note that the increase of speed is directly proportional with the decrease in the ability to steer) 

Step 5 - Finally on completion of journey bring vehicle and/or yourself to a complete stop. (Possible methods include braking, crashing, bailing, flying or plummeting - depending on the terrain)

Repeat as necessary...

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Roll

Five more steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large sloping area. (Preferably a grass covered bank or hillside not during the rainy season but close enough to have kept the ground soft)

Step 2 - Lay down parallel to the apex of the slope. (Protractors, set-squares are again permitted, but do not keep in pockets)

Step 3 - Gently tip bodyweight in the direction of the downward gradient. (Positioning of arms can be a problem at first but quickly becomes irrelevant (see step 4). Same also applies to breasts and genitalia for older participants)

Step 4 - Allow momentum to build naturally towards optimum speed. (Signs that this is achieved will include failing limbs, involuntary screaming and both ground and life flashing before eyes) 

Step 5 - Let the flattening out of the landscape gradually bring your body to a state of rest. (Please try to avoid ditches, cliffs, ravines and the legs of passing strangers)

Repeat as necessary...

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Spin

The five steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large, open space. (Ideally a lush green meadow, awash with buttercups and daisies, on a warm summers day)

Step 2 - Extend arms level with shoulders and parallel to ground. (Protractors, set-squares and so forth are permitted, but remove to a safe distance after use)

Step 3 - Rotate entire body upon the vertical axis (head to toe), gradually increasing speed, facing straight ahead at all times. (For best results keep eyes open and enjoy the accelerating panorama before you)

Step 4 - Continue for as long as feels comfortable. (Signs of reaching completion include tingling in finger tips and ringing in ears) 

Step 5 - Come to a complete stop and let nature take its course. (This should involve the world turning in unusual ways, gravity violently garbing you and, once inevitably prostrate upon the floor, the feeling that your body is falling through space while in fact totally motionless)

Repeat as necessary...

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