I think part of the problem comes from Hollywood – a good example being Indiana Jones. (I mean of course the flight to Tibet in ‘Raiders’ rather than crashing into a mountain in ‘Temple’!) In such movies people would simply board a plane and then, as someone recently put it, “Fly by map”. In the time it takes to draw a red line from A to B you’re there! Actually my most recent flight to Ireland was a bit like that. There is more time checking in, spending money in departures and waiting for luggage the other end than flying!
Probably the worst flight was another small trip going on holiday to Jersey with my parents. The short distance was sort of extended due to turbulence. The plane was thrown first one way and then another and would then just drop straight down. The “Fly by map” for that trip would look more like a cross-sectional representation of the Himalayas! On that occasion I think being a novice flyer helped as I was unaffected by the experience – unlike my poor father who was making full use of the complimentary paper bags (and not to do the Eric Morecambe trick!)
But the real ‘treat’ came a few years back when we took a family trip to Florida and therefore went transatlantic. In my innocence I imagined a greater distance would mean a bigger and better experience. Bigger it was but better..? Again Hollywood had me equating USA with luxury airlines, big seats, helpful attendants and an almost surround-sound private cinema experience! What I got was uncomfortable seating, a small screen two inches from my nose and no sound as their batch of ‘complimentary-very-cheap-earphones’ were all duds! For the flight back however we were prepared and had our own earphones ready. But this time the ‘micro-screen’ in front of my wife wasn't working at all.
Now, I'm not sure why I felt the need to stand up and say something. Possibly it was after the fiasco of the first flight or maybe it was just post holiday frustration! But I have a kind of an Incredible Hulk complex. Most of the time I'm mild and quite but every so often things will get on top me enough that I see red - or green if we're still going with the Hulk analogy. (See 'Evil' for more detail on past indiscretions). I certainly don’t know what I expected them to do...
“No problem sir! We have a repairman being rocketed to us as we speak. Once he has successfully transferred from one plane to the other mid-flight he will have your screen up and running before parachuting back to sea-level where a speedboat will take him home again!”
Regardless I stood up to the flight attendant, saying this was not good enough and demanding something be done! Our eyes locked in a battle of wills. Behind mine I had irate indignation and the knowledge that the customer is always right. Unfortunately behind hers I could see tasers, plastic wrist restrains, air marshals and forced ejection. It was a tough call but I finally decided to be the bigger man and backed down.
All in all I think I prefer holidays in our own British Isles. The weather may be unreliable but the on route catering is what you choose, your luggage is never out of your sight and you can step out to stretch your legs whenever choose. Try doing that at thirty-thousand feet...!
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