Thursday 15 December 2011

Slide


Five more steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large sloping area that has a liberal dusting of frozen precipitation. (Preferably of a consistency somewhere between brown slush and sheet ice )

Step 2 - Position yourself at apex of slope upon your vehicle of choice. (Sledge, toboggan, tin-tray, bin bag, willing accomplice, etc.)

Step 3 - Push to start and allow gravity to increase your momentum. (You may employ additional initial propulsion from a friend but avoid the use of catapults, rockets or jets)

Step 4 - Allow acceleration to build through the lack of friction between the vehicle and the ground cover. (Take note that the increase of speed is directly proportional with the decrease in the ability to steer) 

Step 5 - Finally on completion of journey bring vehicle and/or yourself to a complete stop. (Possible methods include braking, crashing, bailing, flying or plummeting - depending on the terrain)

Repeat as necessary...

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Monday 12 December 2011

Tree

We've trimmed the tree!

But before that came all the other traditions...

We picked out the tree...
I paid for the tree...
I brought home the tree...
I attempted to fit our stand to the tree...
I assembled various blunt tools before the tree...
I hacked bits off the ridiculously think trunk of the needle retentive type tree...
I again attempted to fit the stand on the tree...
I swore at the tree...
I hacked more from the tree...
I finally affixed the stand to the tree...
I stepped back from the tree...
I found myself leaning to one side mirroring the angle of the tree...
I threatened the tree...
I removed the stand from the tree...
I performed more surgery on the tree...
I put the the stand once more on the tree...
I said a silent prayer before stepping back again from the tree...
I saw all was well with the tree...
I wrestled for ten minutes with the plastic mesh that encased the tree...
I spent a further ten minutes removing the dead leaves and other forest detritus from within the recesses of the tree...
I attached weighty objects (such as books, shoes, pets, etc.) to pull down the branches of the tree...
I retrieved from the far corner of the attic the decorations for the tree...
I untangled the lights for the tree...
I openly wept tears of thanks that the lights worked beneath the now bowing branches of the tree...
I removed all tools, sawdust, bits of trunck, weights and pets from vicinity of the tree...
I called the family to the tree...
I shifted 'a little to the left' the tree...
I shifted 'back to where it was before' the tree...
I rotated it 90 degrees to show the better branches of the tree...
I vetoed the idea of finding another location within the house for the tree...
We all said how prefect was the tree...
I whispered "I wont say anything if you don't" to the tree...

We trimmed the tree...

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Tuesday 6 December 2011

Donkey

With Christmas fast approaching parents everywhere are waiting with baited breath to hear the news – which part has our child got in the school's Christmas Show. But what is the must have role at Christmas?

Now traditionally the Christmas show would be a Nativity but that isn't always the case. During my own years a primary school the parts I played included:

A carol singer
A roving reporter
A dashing but dim fairy-tale hero
And a caterpillar!

But if your kid’s school is going for a full on ‘Star’ story, or derivative-Navitivative as is more often the case these days, then the part-pecking order is normally straightforward.

For girls there is one true goal – the Holy-Mother-Load that is Mary. All dolled up in blue dress, white scarf, blue headband and holding baby doll or plush-toy Saviour-substitute. She may not be much of an action girl, being far more homespun, but most girls still want to be Mary. Second fiddle is the celestial-big-hitter Angel Gabriel. As God’s spokes-person A.G. gets to chat to the parents to be, scare the socks of the shepherd and (sometimes) does some moonlighting at star-lighting in order to bring the Wise Men from ‘Far’ to ‘Here’. So more you’re go getting, globe-trotting type. Plus you get to boss the other Angels about!

Boys on the other hand get a bit more choice. You might think Joseph would be the top banana but is in fact quite a weak character. Years of pantos and kids shows just reaffirmed to me what most children instinctively know - that the most boring part in the whole show is the hero. Far better to be either the villain, such as Herod (who really needs to be stroking a white cat), or the comic relief, as in a shaky shepherd or a dippy donkey. Or you could wish to be King for a day!

Yes, when my school did finally go for a more traditional story I got just what I wanted - Wise Man number 1! Whoa-yeah! Better still because I was taller than the other two they put me in the middle to balance things out. However, I did fail by being last to arrive at the costume fitting. Our school was lucky in that parents made a lot of costumes, this was in the days before the Nativity-dressing-up isle that appear in Wait-cos or Tes-da supermarkets. Also parents donated them to the school so at the back of our stage was a wardrobe of costumes that would have kept The Doctor happy through a hundred regenerations!

Robes and gowns were ten-a-penny but the problem was hats. For some reason crowns weren’t an option (obviously Herod and his moggy had got there first). Instead there was one silver tipped sampan style hat (with fur trim), one orange ‘Mongol Horde’ hat (with a single fluffy spike, like a squirrel's tail with rigor mortis) and a fez (which was mine). Now, Matt Smith's Doctor has of course brought the fez back to the world and it was also the hat of choice for the great Tommy Cooper. But it didn't have quite the gravitas I was looking for from my Wise Man role...

King 3 - "Born this night to man the son of God!"

King 2 - "How shall we discover this child?"

King 1 - "Just like that! Ah-hr-hr-hr! Baby manger! Manger baby! Ah-hr-hr-hr!"

Luckily my mum put in some work and sewed a nice gold-lame doughnut around the brim which showed more Eastern promise. But somehow I just couldn’t shake the magic man bit as it now cried out Ali Bongo!…

King 1 – “We bring gifts of gold, frankincense and… a bunch of flowers!” 

But the performance was a success, even if I did get my leg tangled in my robe while kneeling to adore the My-Little-Messiah (batteries not included). It called for a little limb bending and knee wiggling as I stood up, but then I was The Gold-Lame King after all... 

King 1 "Thank you very much!"

No, for me boys want to be kings first, Herod second with animals and sheep worriers bring up the rear. After all who really wants to be Joseph? Mary gets all the attention along with a bit of plastic with tinsel round its head! While Joseph is the ‘Everyman’ that most boys will almost inevitably end up being anyway - the stereotypical useless husband.

Mary "I ask you to do one simple thing! One bloody thing! Book a room at the inn! But can you do that? Oh no!”

Joseph “No dear. Sorry dear” 

Mary "Having to come all the way to bleedy Bethlehem - because you were born here might I remind you - and in my condition!"

Joseph “Yes dear. Sorry dear” 

Mary “And as for the transport you arranged to get here... first class my ass...!"

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