Mandate

As you know I’m petrified of being in the proximity of ‘uncharted’ people but I flounder even more when the legend below reads "Here there be males!"

There no other way to describe it - I am an 'Anti-Lad'. The closest I get to being a man’s man is doing a spot of decorating while simultaneously watching a John Wayne film on TCM. For a while my kind were classed as the New Age Man, a name which summons up odd images. I see an ape-creature, standing before a black monolith, raising a newly discovered implement above his head before bringing it down firmly, but with equal care, as he irons his best animal skin on a nice flat rock!

If ever I am stranded in the company of lads I am totally out of my depth. I know nothing of football, I dipped my toe in the waters of DIY but power tools are a mystery and a car is just something to get me to work (what the hell is torc anyway?). Even meeting other Ant-Lads doesn’t help as we just sort of cancel each other out and stare into our own private worlds thinking of what we'll cook for dinner. The only blokes I do know tend to come as part of a family package where their son or daughter knows my son or daughter which at least gives me the opener of "How is (insert-name-of-child-here)?" but that will only get you so far. Not that I mind too much as I loath small talk. What I do mind is that I haven’t had what I would call a best ‘male’ friend since I was about twelve.

At that time my shyness was at full power but I did have friends at school if only by dint of the fact that I saw them nearly everyday. However, as I moved into the realms of acting (Jazz-hands ahoy) I underwent an unusual reversal. Suddenly I could speak to girls, make friends with girls and even spend time with girls while at the same time understanding lads less and less. The irony is it still took me forever to find the guts to actually date a girl but that just highlighted the 'brotherly' friendship I had with them. Again, there were blokes on my courses and in subsequent jobs and I do still count many of these as friends but never a best friend. A best friend is not only some who will be there for you and to who you will do the same but also needs to be someone who gets you. Someone who speaks on your frequency. And not having that tends to leave a hole in your life.

A prime example was my wedding. When the time came to pick a best man there was no one who came to mind to fill the role. I have no brothers and nor does my wife and my closest male cousin old enough to do the job was at that time living in New Zealand! In the end I made the unconventional decision to choose the person who was my best friend at the time as so had a Best Woman (Cheers D, it was a pleasure to have you with me that day). Of course my wife now fits the best 'female' friend role and as such spotted that man shaped hole in me.

Unfortunately on one occasion she tried to fill it in a most unusual way by setting me up with what can best be described as a 'play-date'. She was so used to doing it for the kids I guess she just saw it as an extension of the same idea. He was the father of one of my son's friends who I'd previously met at birthday parties and at the school gates (so shyness shouldn't be an issue). He was more Anti-Lad than Lad but not as extreme as me (so I might learn something new from him but wouldn't pick up any nasty habits or get into too many scrapes). He lived not far from us (so not too many roads to cross). And his wife thought he to should socialise more (so basically our wives told us to go out for a drink together). Man-date!

On the evening in question my 'Date-Mate' called on me, as my house was on the way to the pub. My wife tucked my scarf into my trousers, put on my stringed-mittens and told us not to stay out too late. Together we stumped off down the road. I'd like to say the evening went well and that he and I have been best buddies ever since but then that would be a big steaming pile of 'not-true-poo'. In reality we spent five minutes using up our openers and discovering how the other's kids were. Moved on to latest DIY projects, then quickly through my lack of interest in sport before settled down to an evening of beer supping and lengthening silences. And all the while my inner man was struggling to take control. If only he had... 

*The Anti-Lad kicks back his stool and stands, staring down the Date-Mate from beneath the brim of his Ten Gallon hat*

"Now listen here Pilgrim, if you're looking looking for best friendship then I aint willing to accommodate ya. We both see this man-date aint going nowhere. And if'n I hear you use language like 'league champions' or 'traction control' once more, so help me I'll not understand ya. Now you just sit peaceful and finish your drink and I'll be on my way. I got broccoli to steam and a pelmet to fix. Adiós Compadre."

*With that the Anti-Lad moseys out the saloon doors, stopping momentarily to look back, his left hand clutching his right arm as he considers whether to put his scarf back on, before heading towards the sunset and New Aged adventures...*

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