Thursday 26 September 2013

Rosebud

What's worst than being told the twist from a film? 

Being told a film HAS a twist!

I've lost track of the number of twisty-movies I've sat through and guessed the ending within the first ten minutes due to the publicity for the film being something along the lines of... 

"This film has a twist. But not just any old twist. The twistiest twist ever, ever! The twist to this movie is so incredibly twisty that you must never UNDER PAIN OF DEATH tell anyone about it OR WE WILL KILL YOU!" 

Okay, so they don't usually go so far as the death bit but you get the point. And because of that I then spend every second of the film thinking to myself "Is that the Twist?.. Is that the Twist?...Is that the Twist?..."

I was gong to give you examples of films I've seen where I've guessed the end but then I'd be setting you up for the same disappointment. So instead let me tell you my own idea for a film...

So there's a hero, who's a ghost, who's with his friend, but who is really the hero himself, but who is actually his own father (but is in fact a robot), in a place which is really in the future, but in reality is in the present (but mainly all in the hero's mind) but is in fact on a spaceship. There he meets the love of his life, who is in fact the twin of the love of his life, but who is really the lover of the wife who had plastic surgery to look like the person he thought she was having killed the other one first. 

She/he/they/it then tells him/them/they/it that what he needs is the key which isn't a key at all but which is in fact the hero's childhood toy except it's a fake, until you hold it up to the light (where it's still a fake but at least it keeps the sun out of your eyes) but that he shouldn't worry because the hero actually had the real one all along (except for when he was dreaming when it was just a metaphor). 

Just then the villain, who had been there all the time, but who never really existed but who is in fact probably everyone still in the room (including the robot) pulls a gun. He shoots the hero killing him dead except that he doesn't because the gun was full of blanks but also because he misses on purpose just to fool everyone because the villain is in fact a cop and not a butler and who actually isn't a crack shot anyway (but then it didn't matter because the hero is a ghost (keep up)). 

So finally the hero marries the villain who is in fact the mother of the robot and who it turns out was the genuine key all along but who was really just looking to find a friend and who really, really just wanted someone to help fly the bloody spaceship! 

But as the camera pulls back it turns out the whole thing is a play being acted on a stage which is being filmed as an adaptation of a story which is being read at a child's bedside from a book which the hero has written of his life but which in the end turns out was simply something he made up while looking at the wall behind you.

Or did he?

Yes, he did!

The End 

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