Bricks

My time as an actor was not what you might call the most glittering of careers. Instead I moved from one fringe production to another and in between tended towards children's variety more than anything else. In fact, given how much fun I now have making my kids laugh I probably missed a trick there.

My biggest entertainer stint came when I worked for two years as a actor / performer at the then quite tacky Thorpe Park in Staines (a story for another day). After that I vowed never to work in a theme park again but hold out for only 'proper' acting roles. So I was more than a little surprised to find that out of the blue I suddenly had an audition for a new theme park which to be opening up - Legoland Windsor. To this day I can't remember if I applied for the job and then blotted out the memory or whether my name was simply given to them because of my record of park work. Either way I wasn't ready to pass up an audition (just getting one was at that stage was proving harder than the audition itself).

So on a cold and foggy day I turned up at the newly built visitors centre at Legoland Windsor and immediately felt I'd stepped into an episode of Dr Who. Everyone already working there wore a coloured blazer on the lapel of which was a small Lego Mini Figure holding a name tag. I assumed it was the name of the person wearing the blazer but it could just as easily been the name of the Lego person being transported around by their human servant! (*Multiplex voice-over*) "Taking over the world - brick by brick..."

Myself and my fellow auditionees were herded into one room where the most senior Lego / human hybrid, who shared the name Brian, explained how the day would proceed. The Brians were the entertainment manager and gave a brief outline of the sort of actors and performers they would be looking for. The moment they started speaking I began to get an odd sort of tapping at the back of my head which threatened to put me off my stride. Whether it was nerves or just my subconscious trying to remind me of my pledge to avoid any role that used the line "Behind you!" I wasn't sure, but I fought it down.

The main part of the audition was of course a prepared speech but unusually we didn't go one at a time into the a room to perform these. Instead we sat in a row of chairs along one wall in a large room while the blazer wearing panel of five, and their symbiotic plastic figures, sat behind a long table in front of us with the Brians in the middle. My turn came and with it the return of the brain tap. I pushed it back once more and did my piece, then answered whatever questions about my previous experience were asked and finally sat back down. As the next person carried on my eyes were drawn to the Brians and again the tapping began but this time finished with the mental equivalent of a soft "Ping".

My eyes widened in wonder as suddenly visions of teddy bears, silly songs and Saturday afternoons swam before my eyes! Not being able to contain myself I lent over to the person next to me and whispered,

"That's Brian Cant!"

Ah yes dear reader - Brian Cant. To those of a certain age he is an unquestionable god! Readers of my previous post 'Glimpse' will know of another day when I met a TV hero of my childhood and here, twenty years later, I was face to face with the Supreme Leader of all Playaway presenters. The man who could turn a cardboard box into a rocket ship! The man who knew Jeremy Irons before he revisited Brideshead or the Borgias and Tony Robinson before he joined 'Time Team!' The man who could really dish the dirt on Big Ted, Humpty and Hamble! And I was performing for him!

Needless to say I was rather quickly brought back to Earth when the person I'd whispered to said, "Who's Brian Cant?". The penny dropped then that I was probably one of the oldest people at the audition, everyone else being fresh out of one drama school or another and therefore too young to remember the Golden Age of 'Play School' and 'Playaway'. Not to be put off I threw myself into the rest of the day with gusto, including an over energetic and possibly highly embarrassing dance we had to learn to a Janet Jackson song. Nothing mattered now. Brian was watching and I was going to show him just what I could do!

At the close of the day, when the entertainment staff said their thank yous and told us we'd be informed in due time as to the results, Brian walked among us once more. I also got to speak to him briefly, although I did refrain from saying how much I'd adored watching him as a child or how many jokes, gags and silly voices I'd copied off him or how many songs and sketches I had learnt off by heart as a kid from Playaway albums. Somehow I didn't really see that over enthusiastic hero worship from a twenty-five year old man would help me get a job.

Either way a few days later I received a call to congratulate me and to offer me a role at Legoland Windsor for the Summer. However, in the time following the audition the stars had fallen once more from my eyes. I'd thought again about how I didn't want to be typecast as kiddies entertainer, still feeling that my real break was somewhere round that impossible big corner. I therefore politely turned the job down, possibly leaving a Lego man with my name on it out in the cold.

And so I moved away from what I said at the beginning could have been my true purpose in life. Not only that but from the opportunity to have learnt at the feet of the true master...

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Transformed

"Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you it's a whole different sex!"
Jerry / Daphne, 'Some Like it Hot'

One of our old tutors from drama school, recently surfaced on Facebook which reminded me of an acting exercise we did with him.

The brief was that during a break from the school we were to observe someone well known to us so that we could become them as a character. Unfortunately for me I went into hospital at that time for a minor op which meant I had very little time to observe much more than the shocking state of the ward. I therefore had to make a very quick observation of the only person I was in close contact with between operation / recuperation and returning to school - namely my father.

On returning after the break the exercise began in earnest. As my school was very big on Stanislaski and Method Acting this meant a great deal of wandering around in character as much as possible or even taking it further and walking into the local town. As I moved down the street with the slow measured pace of my father I could see other students hobbling with crunches, fidgeting uncontrollably and generally making a fool of themselves as only acting students can. I gradually became aware that everyone else was dealing with very extreme characters or at least characters very different from themselves. I, on the other hand, was discovering that my father and I were much closer in personality then I had previously realised. However, this hadn't escaped my tutor who also thought this character wasn't stretching me enough.

The final part of the exercise was to 'perform' the characters to the rest of our fellow students. Each person would enter the room, introduce themselves and then take questions from the floor staying in the role the whole time. So before this final exercise my tutor set me a challenge.

"Make your father a transvestite"

This was in 1990 and although society still had some way to go before reaching the level of understanding towards homosexuality that we have today is was becoming less of an issue, particularly within the world of theatre and acting. I was to witness one or two 'spectacular' closet departures by friends during my time at  the school. However, those of a trans-gender persuasion had yet to find their voice in the world. Even Eddie Izzard had yet to publicly find his 'high heeled' feet by then. I wanted to to do the character justice and not resort to a stereotype or, even worst, something out of Monty Python ("Oh, fornicate the Penguin!"). After all, this was my father I was dealing with here, all be it in an alternative reality style scenario.

My tutor very much left it up to me to find my father's new 'voice' as it were. The only thing he did insist on was secrecy. In theatre nothing beats getting one over on the audience so my transformation soon became the biggest secret going. Only the two main tutors for my year plus one friend, whom I called on to lend me some of her clothes and help with my make-up, were in on the 'twist'. So on the performance day with the additional aid of a hair clip, a clutch bag, some strappy-sandals and some strategically placed balled-up socks (possibly the only time you can wear socks with sandals) I was ready. For obvious reasons (to those in the know at least) I was kept until last and on entering the room everyone was shocked into silence as I sat and introduced myself as Barbara.

Some thought it was a joke, possibly in either good or bad taste. Some believed I was playing with fire and that the tutors would drag me (pardon the pun) over the coals for pulling such a stunt. As a result the questions were very slow on coming as no one, especially those who thought my character was based on my father. Finally one student, who was often critical of other people's work and no doubt wanted to be the one to point out the Emperor's lack of clothes, said,

"You have a very deep voice for a woman."

To which I smoothly replied,

"That's because I'm a man."

The room seemed to suddenly relax but also lean forward at the same time. Questions now quickly came to people, not only to find out more about Barbara but also about the man behind her (or inside her or outside or which ever way you want to see it). I confidently explained my life and the reasons I did what I did and was what I was, mixing fact with fiction so that my father and Barbara flowed together. Fianlly the session ended and Barabra slipped away.

But if the questions had came think and fast during the exercise then it was nothing to the barrage I received after. Or rather the same question over and over,

"Is your dad really a tranny?"

It took quite a while to explain the whole plot and reasons behind the birth of Barbara. But I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and the effect it had on everyone. However, I did feel a little bad for my Dad. Partly because I'd had to 'enhance' his character for the performance. But mostly because when he next met some of my friends he was relentlessly ribbed about the day he'd been turned into a women. And the name Barbara also stuck for a while. (Sorry Babs)...

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