Tea

I really , really want to like tea. It seems to be such a wonderful drink. An inspirational brew that has kept this country going decade after decade. It seems so unpatriotic not to drink it. Every time I say "No thank you" to a cup I feel as if I were kicking a bulldog or unbuttoning a Pearly Queen.

It's the ritual that surrounds the prepartion of such a simple drink that really draws me in. Whether it's with tea urns and tea leaves or teapots and teabags the whole process of creating a cuppa has a ceremony to it, much like... well the Japanese tea ceremony, natch. And it can also stir such passions in people. When is the best time to drink tea and which kind? And in particular the whole milk in first or last debate which could very well start the Second Lilliputian War.

And tea is the true social leveller that everyone can enjoy.  Be it from bone china in fancy hotels to chipped mugs in office kitchenettes to tartan flasks on windswept beaches the whole nation is doing it. No one looks up or down on anther tea drinker, but they do look strangely at the non-brew-believer. And if you don't partake then you can't join the tea-party. I couldn't feel this much peer pressure if the whole House of Lords fell on me!

So I finally gave in last week. Seeing Johnny Vegas and his monkey friend pushed me over the edge. Boiling water, one teabag, one splash of milk and a spoonful of Mary Poppins medicinal bribery later and I was ready. However, after one sip I had the usual Emperor's New Clothes moment.

"Can't you fools see?" I wanted to cry "Its just hot, brown, bitter water!"

Sorry Britain. I've let you down...

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Maybe I could take up cricket...


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