Slide

Five more steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large sloping area that has a liberal dusting of frozen precipitation. (Preferably of a consistency somewhere between brown slush and sheet ice )

Step 2 - Position yourself at apex of slope upon your vehicle of choice. (Sledge, toboggan, tin-tray, bin bag, willing accomplice, etc.)

Step 3 - Push to start and allow gravity to increase your momentum. (You may employ additional initial propulsion from a friend but avoid the use of catapults, rockets or jets)

Step 4 - Allow acceleration to build through the lack of friction between the vehicle and the ground cover. (Take note that the increase of speed is directly proportional with the decrease in the ability to steer) 

Step 5 - Finally on completion of journey bring vehicle and/or yourself to a complete stop. (Possible methods include braking, crashing, bailing, flying or plummeting - depending on the terrain)

Repeat as necessary...

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Roll

Five more steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large sloping area. (Preferably a grass covered bank or hillside not during the rainy season but close enough to have kept the ground soft)

Step 2 - Lay down parallel to the apex of the slope. (Protractors, set-squares are again permitted, but do not keep in pockets)

Step 3 - Gently tip bodyweight in the direction of the downward gradient. (Positioning of arms can be a problem at first but quickly becomes irrelevant (see step 4). Same also applies to breasts and genitalia for older participants)

Step 4 - Allow momentum to build naturally towards optimum speed. (Signs that this is achieved will include failing limbs, involuntary screaming and both ground and life flashing before eyes) 

Step 5 - Let the flattening out of the landscape gradually bring your body to a state of rest. (Please try to avoid ditches, cliffs, ravines and the legs of passing strangers)

Repeat as necessary...

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Impossible

Seven Impossible things to consider before breakfast:

...It is impossible to find something you've lost around the house when the one place you're sure it is isn't...

...It is impossible to resist joining in when someone else sings the first the first five cords of "Also Sprach Zarthustra"... 

...It is impossible to post anything through a letterbox that has brushes without bending it...

...It is impossible to watch a film which you know has a 'great twist' without constantly trying to guess it...

...It is impossible to tap the side of a beer can with a pen without thinking of the old cricketing theme tune...

...It is impossible to play Monopoly without one player sulking and another becoming a money hungry despot...

...It is impossible to remove a bogey from your fingertip in less than three attempts...

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Wrapper

I pride myself on being an expert gift wrapper so ready for Mother's Day here is my guide:

Step 1 - Measure the gift against the paper - I don't mean get out rulers or theodolites but there is nothing more frustrating than pulling the two ends of the gift wrap together and getting that "I'm sure this shirt fitted last week!" feeling

Step 2 - Have tape to hand and pre-cut before starting - This way you don't need to resort to weighing down the two ends with another object (scissors, elbow, cat, etc.) while you search for the tape (or worst the end of the tape!)

Step 3 - Ends should be folded using this simple method - Place gift so bottom face is facing up / Fold down top face on one end / Slowly flatten to cover side-facing edge to create 2x side-triangle-flanges / Pinch flange edges flat / First fold in first flange to side-facing edge / Second set second flange section to mirror manoeuvre of first flange / Flatten newly formed bottom flange / Fold up flange / Position cat / Find tape end / Remove cat and secure / Repeat

Step 4 - Never use what you consider 'nice' paper - Your efforts to persuade people to "save the paper" will always fall on deaf ears and any attempt to hand them the 'reverse engineering' instructions of Step 3 will be ignored

Step 5 - Never use too much tape - This is especially true when dealing with a gift for a child. If they can't get that paper off in under 3 seconds the present will discarded as they proceed to the next gift (or handed to you to open which would be just plain ironic)

Alternatively you could always use my wife's method:

1. Get a gift bag
2. Drop gift in bag
3. Sorted

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Spin

The five steps to happiness:

Step 1 - Find a large, open space. (Ideally a lush green meadow, awash with buttercups and daisies, on a warm summers day)

Step 2 - Extend arms level with shoulders and parallel to ground. (Protractors, set-squares and so forth are permitted, but remove to a safe distance after use)

Step 3 - Rotate entire body upon the vertical axis (head to toe), gradually increasing speed, facing straight ahead at all times. (For best results keep eyes open and enjoy the accelerating panorama before you)

Step 4 - Continue for as long as feels comfortable. (Signs of reaching completion include tingling in finger tips and ringing in ears) 

Step 5 - Come to a complete stop and let nature take its course. (This should involve the world turning in unusual ways, gravity violently garbing you and, once inevitably prostrate upon the floor, the feeling that your body is falling through space while in fact totally motionless)

Repeat as necessary...

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